Love Ain't No Fairytale

I recently started attending services at Calvary Chapel and have really enjoyed it. They're doing a 4-week study, led by Andy Stanley, called "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" and last night was the first part. I highly encourage you to listen to Part 1 before reading this, but if you can't, this is basically going to be about what I got from it last night. It's not super preachy and I think most of it applies to people who don't believe in God.

I want to start by saying this: Usually after I post a blog, people ask me if it's about them, or if they're boyfriend told me to write it, or they assume it's about a particular relationship of mine. The truth is this:

1. A lot of what I write about IS based on what I'm going through, but I also write blogs about things people ask me to discuss.
2. A lot of you think my blogs are about you-and they probably are, because a lot of you are going through the same things as me.
3. If you think it applies to you and you don't like the way it applies to you...change it.

Moving on...last night was about "The Right Person Myth". You know, that whole fairytale load of crap about how you find Mr./Mrs. Right and suddenly everything else in your life is right? Yea it's a bunch of bull.

The first point he made was that people he refers to as "sport/recreational/serial daters" won't like his series, because they're not looking for anything serious. You do you. But the important point, that stuck like a knife was this, "The PRESENT will be your PAST which will be PRESENT in your FUTURE." In other words, what you're doing now will end up coming up in your life/marriage later. There's no judgment passed on what you're doing now, but just remember, it doesn't go away. Skeletons in the closet anyone? I know it hearing that dusted off some of mine. Note: My blogs are read by approximately 200 people and I guarantee 95% of you just said, "Oh my gosh! She's talking about me!" But it's not coming from me...it's coming from Andy. Even when I heard it, I thought, "How does he know?!" Well, he explained that.

Andy talks about how people think they have this unique, untouchable, never told before love that no one else has ever experienced, but this truth is...it's not. He says, "Your relationship isn't unique, it's a well-worn, predictable path..." And they are. Which is why when you hear this stuff, you think it directly applies to you, but it applies to everyone.

Now back to the "right" person. We fall for that fairytale and then end up marrying that fairytale and when the chemistry wears off, there's nothing left. You can have chemistry with anyone. You can feel sparks fly with someone you meet for 10 minutes, but the truth is, you can't have a relationship with just anyone...that takes actual effort, not just chemistry.

Andy's big point is this—you're not going to find the right person until you start focusing on becoming the right person. When he said this, that's when I knew I've been doing this whole thing wrong. I've been looking for the right guy, when really I should be making sure I'm right for the right guy.

You've got to be the kind of person the person you are looking for is looking for.

You want someone trustworthy and faithful and responsible, but are you that person? Would that person be attracted to the person you are right now? Something to ponder. And if you're not those things that you're searching for in another, what made you that way?

I have no answers on this one. I'm still soaking it all in. I hope you spend the 50 minutes to watch Part One, if not I hope my blog explained it, but if you have more specific questions, feel free to ask me at kerrigasskd@gmail.com. This series has 3 weeks left to it and if you missed the first night, you won't be lost if you want to jump in, so if you're interested in going next week, let me know!

Not hunting, not seeking, but becoming,
K

Pizza, Pizza

If you know me, you know I love pizza. I mean, I could eat it everyday love it. I'm obsessed. I'm also a huge fan of Hill City pizza. However, I've never had a great service experience there and last night was probably the most interesting of all. People call it Hill Shitty as a joke, but I sometimes wonder. I will say I have been a server, in a pizza restaurant, and it's hellacious and people can be really rude and it can just flat out suck. So I'm not trying to be a whiny patron and this was not the worst restaurant experience I've had by far, but the punch line is quite entertaining.

I've had two or three instances already where they forgot to put my order in at Hill City, but last night was different.

Last night was most epic of all. We arrive after kickball and are starving. They immediately inform us that they have no cheese... Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't cheese typically vital to a pizza? Unless you're some no-dairy dieter, cheese is pretty much a pizza staple. So we decide to patiently wait for them to go get cheese from somewhere, which they warn us will take 15 minutes. Whatever. It's worth it.

Then, our pizza shows up and looks like this....




I'm not one to complain to servers. Even if I hate my food, I usually don't mention it. My friend, Claire however shouts out, "This is burnt!" Which, obviously from the pictures...it was.

Our server says, "We always burn our pizzas like that."

.........

We still scarfed down the burnt pizza, because we were hungry. Needless to say, Claire got another pizza on the house.

Only me,
K

Are You Ready to Rumble?

Recently, a friend mentioned his frustration with finding girls who seemed great upfront. Had every quality you could want in a woman—and then after putting in a week or so of effort, they get the "I'm not ready to date." sinker. Been there, done that. As a 20-30 something in the dating world of this generation, I've discovered there are a lot of people who either a) just got dumped by the one they thought was "the one"(as myself) or b) they're divorced.

You automatically assume that because someone is out at a bar, flirting, buying you drinks, and making the moves that they're on the search. They're sending the outward sign that, "Hey! I'm single! I'm okay with it! I don't give a damn about my ex and I'm ready to find someone else! Now let's go!" But as myself and many of my friends have found, just because they act that way, doesn't mean it's true.

So I've come up with a few signs to know if:

1) Your most recent interest is ready to date.
or
2) You are ready to date.


1. Bitterness. If you/you're interest is constantly making snide remarks about their ex or complaining about how the ex did this or that wrong, they're not over it. That resentment will just carry over into the next relationship and no one needs that. Tell them to call you when they're over it.

2. Crazy for love(or attention). When people become single, they have a tendency to sometimes pursue just about anyone and everyone they see. In most cases, that urge to flirt with every person of the opposite sex fades(then again I've met some pretty long-term creepers). If you can't keep yourself from buying every girl/guy you're semi-attracted to a drink and imagining where the night may lead, you don't have it out of your system yet. If the guy/girl your chasing is chasing everyone INCLUDING you around the bar, they're not ready. You can talk to them about it, but if they get defensive...NEXT!

3. One is the loneliest number. In reality, everyone needs alone time. If you/you're interest can't be alone without worrying what everyone else is doing or moping because he/she/you is alone, it's not time. Before you can move on with someone new, you have to be completely comfortable being yourself, by yourself. You change as a person when you date someone else and when that relationship ends, you've got to figure out who you are without that person. If the person you're interested in is at the bar every night or constantly trying to surround themselves with others and gain their approval...well you know what to do. If you are that person that can't be alone—take baby steps. Spend a night in, when you know all of your friends are out. Take a mini-vacation alone. Whatever you have to do to find out who the new you is. (Did I mention, you will never find the old you? Because you won't.)

Word to the wise: If you're not ready to date, stop acting like it and screwing up the fun for the rest of us who are! I understand, being alone sucks. We all get it. But going out in public and treating men/women like you ARE ready to date is just rude. You may be in some funk, but don't pull others down with you. Go out with your friends and feel free to look, but don't attempt to order off the menu.

If you realize someone is showing the signs of not being ready or they tell you they're not...run. Sometimes even after they tell you they're not ready, they will do things that make you think maybe they really are. Ignore it. You'll know when they're ready, you may be around, you may not, but either way, if you avoid that mess they're in and keep yourself out of it, you're way better off.

Lord help me take my own advice,
K

Did You Say Shots?

It's been 2 weeks since I started this Match.com experience and one week since I went on my first Match date. I should've written about this sooner, but much more important things have been happening.

So this guy starts messaging me back and forth and I can't help but notice that I recognize him from somewhere. There's one picture I swear I've seen somewhere, and then it hits me that I've seen this picture on my friend Mel's Facebook. I text her immediately and find out that it is the guy from her Facebook and a co-worker...who she informs me is a total douchebag...great. I decide to give it a try anyways. It felt less nerve wracking considering I knew someone who knew him, so if he tried to kidnap me, someone knew where to find him.

So our date is set for a Thursday at 7 at Northshore Grille. I can probably hit Northshore with a bouncy ball from the Dollhouse, but I still show up a few minutes early. He texts me at 6:59 to tell me he'll be there in 10 minutes...minus one. I'm all about punctuality, folks. I go in to the bar area and see one of my friends from my group and for a second think, "Screw this. I'm going to sit here and have a beer with my friend and forget this." But people are looking forward to reading this so when I see the guy I decide to go with it. He orders a beer, I decide to do the same. It takes a good 15 minutes to just order, because he can't stop talking long enough to look at the menu, but at least the guy can hold a conversation.

Then, it gets interesting...he suggests ordering a shot. Wait! What?!? Before the entree?!? So I'm thinking he's either an alcoholic or this date is that bad. Then, I can't decide if he's trying to see if I'm "cool enough to hang" or "trashy enough to take shots at dinner." I make a last minute decision to take a shot. I can't shoot straight liquor without throwing it up on everyone around me, so I go for the mixed shot my friend has ordered all night the Saturday before...Captain on Crack...and survived the shot without puking. Thank God.

He continued to talk...alot. Then, we went next door and had a few beers and discussed shark week. The conversation was fine, but there was far too much drinking for this first date. If you immediately need alcohol to get through a date...not a good sign. Was he a douche? Well not ultimately, but he did make a few comments that let me know that after about date 5 he'd probably be one. Don't ever mention a woman's weight...even if it's another woman's weight, to a woman. You immediately look like a shallow pig.

Things turned around for me on the weekend though. I went with some friends to church Sunday at Calvary Chapel. It was my first time, and I was shocked and happy to see how many people there were my age. I still have a month or two left of this Match thing, but I see much more potential in finding someone at church than online. Whew.

Plus, the sermon at church was really what I needed. They discussed embracing the "season" of life that you're in, even if it's not the one you expected to be in. For me that "season" is singledom . Lately, a lot of my "group" has been finding guys and girls that make them happy and they're trying the relationship route. While I make fun of their mushy Facebook comments or their tendency to drop everything to hang out with their significant other, I'm super happy for them, because I know if I had someone that treats me like that, I'd be doing the same. My friends and I have all dated some real duds lately and I'm glad they've finally found men (and women) that appreciate them, want to spend time with them, and are overall just good for them.

Match is okay, but I'm pretty sure every Alabama fan with a fishing pole has sent me a message. To be honest, I haven't cared much about even trying to talk to anyone on there. It seems like too much effort. Terrible I know. I'll keep trying and if anyone else interesting comes along, I might give the date a shot, but for some reason I feel like something really good is lurking around the corner and it's not on the internet...

Guess we'll wait and see,
K