Recently, a friend mentioned his frustration with finding girls who seemed great upfront. Had every quality you could want in a woman—and then after putting in a week or so of effort, they get the "I'm not ready to date." sinker. Been there, done that. As a 20-30 something in the dating world of this generation, I've discovered there are a lot of people who either a) just got dumped by the one they thought was "the one"(as myself) or b) they're divorced.
You automatically assume that because someone is out at a bar, flirting, buying you drinks, and making the moves that they're on the search. They're sending the outward sign that, "Hey! I'm single! I'm okay with it! I don't give a damn about my ex and I'm ready to find someone else! Now let's go!" But as myself and many of my friends have found, just because they act that way, doesn't mean it's true.
So I've come up with a few signs to know if:
1) Your most recent interest is ready to date.
or
2) You are ready to date.
1. Bitterness. If you/you're interest is constantly making snide remarks about their ex or complaining about how the ex did this or that wrong, they're not over it. That resentment will just carry over into the next relationship and no one needs that. Tell them to call you when they're over it.
2. Crazy for love(or attention). When people become single, they have a tendency to sometimes pursue just about anyone and everyone they see. In most cases, that urge to flirt with every person of the opposite sex fades(then again I've met some pretty long-term creepers). If you can't keep yourself from buying every girl/guy you're semi-attracted to a drink and imagining where the night may lead, you don't have it out of your system yet. If the guy/girl your chasing is chasing everyone INCLUDING you around the bar, they're not ready. You can talk to them about it, but if they get defensive...NEXT!
3. One is the loneliest number. In reality, everyone needs alone time. If you/you're interest can't be alone without worrying what everyone else is doing or moping because he/she/you is alone, it's not time. Before you can move on with someone new, you have to be completely comfortable being yourself, by yourself. You change as a person when you date someone else and when that relationship ends, you've got to figure out who you are without that person. If the person you're interested in is at the bar every night or constantly trying to surround themselves with others and gain their approval...well you know what to do. If you are that person that can't be alone—take baby steps. Spend a night in, when you know all of your friends are out. Take a mini-vacation alone. Whatever you have to do to find out who the new you is. (Did I mention, you will never find the old you? Because you won't.)
Word to the wise: If you're not ready to date, stop acting like it and screwing up the fun for the rest of us who are! I understand, being alone sucks. We all get it. But going out in public and treating men/women like you ARE ready to date is just rude. You may be in some funk, but don't pull others down with you. Go out with your friends and feel free to look, but don't attempt to order off the menu.
If you realize someone is showing the signs of not being ready or they tell you they're not...run. Sometimes even after they tell you they're not ready, they will do things that make you think maybe they really are. Ignore it. You'll know when they're ready, you may be around, you may not, but either way, if you avoid that mess they're in and keep yourself out of it, you're way better off.
Lord help me take my own advice,
K
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Did You Say Shots?
It's been 2 weeks since I started this Match.com experience and one week since I went on my first Match date. I should've written about this sooner, but much more important things have been happening.
So this guy starts messaging me back and forth and I can't help but notice that I recognize him from somewhere. There's one picture I swear I've seen somewhere, and then it hits me that I've seen this picture on my friend Mel's Facebook. I text her immediately and find out that it is the guy from her Facebook and a co-worker...who she informs me is a total douchebag...great. I decide to give it a try anyways. It felt less nerve wracking considering I knew someone who knew him, so if he tried to kidnap me, someone knew where to find him.
So our date is set for a Thursday at 7 at Northshore Grille. I can probably hit Northshore with a bouncy ball from the Dollhouse, but I still show up a few minutes early. He texts me at 6:59 to tell me he'll be there in 10 minutes...minus one. I'm all about punctuality, folks. I go in to the bar area and see one of my friends from my group and for a second think, "Screw this. I'm going to sit here and have a beer with my friend and forget this." But people are looking forward to reading this so when I see the guy I decide to go with it. He orders a beer, I decide to do the same. It takes a good 15 minutes to just order, because he can't stop talking long enough to look at the menu, but at least the guy can hold a conversation.
Then, it gets interesting...he suggests ordering a shot. Wait! What?!? Before the entree?!? So I'm thinking he's either an alcoholic or this date is that bad. Then, I can't decide if he's trying to see if I'm "cool enough to hang" or "trashy enough to take shots at dinner." I make a last minute decision to take a shot. I can't shoot straight liquor without throwing it up on everyone around me, so I go for the mixed shot my friend has ordered all night the Saturday before...Captain on Crack...and survived the shot without puking. Thank God.
He continued to talk...alot. Then, we went next door and had a few beers and discussed shark week. The conversation was fine, but there was far too much drinking for this first date. If you immediately need alcohol to get through a date...not a good sign. Was he a douche? Well not ultimately, but he did make a few comments that let me know that after about date 5 he'd probably be one. Don't ever mention a woman's weight...even if it's another woman's weight, to a woman. You immediately look like a shallow pig.
Things turned around for me on the weekend though. I went with some friends to church Sunday at Calvary Chapel. It was my first time, and I was shocked and happy to see how many people there were my age. I still have a month or two left of this Match thing, but I see much more potential in finding someone at church than online. Whew.
Plus, the sermon at church was really what I needed. They discussed embracing the "season" of life that you're in, even if it's not the one you expected to be in. For me that "season" is singledom . Lately, a lot of my "group" has been finding guys and girls that make them happy and they're trying the relationship route. While I make fun of their mushy Facebook comments or their tendency to drop everything to hang out with their significant other, I'm super happy for them, because I know if I had someone that treats me like that, I'd be doing the same. My friends and I have all dated some real duds lately and I'm glad they've finally found men (and women) that appreciate them, want to spend time with them, and are overall just good for them.
Match is okay, but I'm pretty sure every Alabama fan with a fishing pole has sent me a message. To be honest, I haven't cared much about even trying to talk to anyone on there. It seems like too much effort. Terrible I know. I'll keep trying and if anyone else interesting comes along, I might give the date a shot, but for some reason I feel like something really good is lurking around the corner and it's not on the internet...
Guess we'll wait and see,
K
So this guy starts messaging me back and forth and I can't help but notice that I recognize him from somewhere. There's one picture I swear I've seen somewhere, and then it hits me that I've seen this picture on my friend Mel's Facebook. I text her immediately and find out that it is the guy from her Facebook and a co-worker...who she informs me is a total douchebag...great. I decide to give it a try anyways. It felt less nerve wracking considering I knew someone who knew him, so if he tried to kidnap me, someone knew where to find him.
So our date is set for a Thursday at 7 at Northshore Grille. I can probably hit Northshore with a bouncy ball from the Dollhouse, but I still show up a few minutes early. He texts me at 6:59 to tell me he'll be there in 10 minutes...minus one. I'm all about punctuality, folks. I go in to the bar area and see one of my friends from my group and for a second think, "Screw this. I'm going to sit here and have a beer with my friend and forget this." But people are looking forward to reading this so when I see the guy I decide to go with it. He orders a beer, I decide to do the same. It takes a good 15 minutes to just order, because he can't stop talking long enough to look at the menu, but at least the guy can hold a conversation.
Then, it gets interesting...he suggests ordering a shot. Wait! What?!? Before the entree?!? So I'm thinking he's either an alcoholic or this date is that bad. Then, I can't decide if he's trying to see if I'm "cool enough to hang" or "trashy enough to take shots at dinner." I make a last minute decision to take a shot. I can't shoot straight liquor without throwing it up on everyone around me, so I go for the mixed shot my friend has ordered all night the Saturday before...Captain on Crack...and survived the shot without puking. Thank God.
He continued to talk...alot. Then, we went next door and had a few beers and discussed shark week. The conversation was fine, but there was far too much drinking for this first date. If you immediately need alcohol to get through a date...not a good sign. Was he a douche? Well not ultimately, but he did make a few comments that let me know that after about date 5 he'd probably be one. Don't ever mention a woman's weight...even if it's another woman's weight, to a woman. You immediately look like a shallow pig.
Things turned around for me on the weekend though. I went with some friends to church Sunday at Calvary Chapel. It was my first time, and I was shocked and happy to see how many people there were my age. I still have a month or two left of this Match thing, but I see much more potential in finding someone at church than online. Whew.
Plus, the sermon at church was really what I needed. They discussed embracing the "season" of life that you're in, even if it's not the one you expected to be in. For me that "season" is singledom . Lately, a lot of my "group" has been finding guys and girls that make them happy and they're trying the relationship route. While I make fun of their mushy Facebook comments or their tendency to drop everything to hang out with their significant other, I'm super happy for them, because I know if I had someone that treats me like that, I'd be doing the same. My friends and I have all dated some real duds lately and I'm glad they've finally found men (and women) that appreciate them, want to spend time with them, and are overall just good for them.
Match is okay, but I'm pretty sure every Alabama fan with a fishing pole has sent me a message. To be honest, I haven't cared much about even trying to talk to anyone on there. It seems like too much effort. Terrible I know. I'll keep trying and if anyone else interesting comes along, I might give the date a shot, but for some reason I feel like something really good is lurking around the corner and it's not on the internet...
Guess we'll wait and see,
K
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sugar Daddies
Well, so far...so interesting. I've had quite a few messages and there have been about 3 I've actually responded to. I've even had guys from Texas message me. Why? Long distance sucks. But as the title says, I had my first run in with a sugar daddy, looking for someone to be his sugar baby.
I got a message from this 53 year old (my DAD is 53-yuck!), from Chattanooga and this was his message, verbatim:
hi..i d love to talk and see you.i live on a beautiful golf course here in chattanooga,..it has a hot tub spa,sauna,steam and a pool..i love to treat you great..,drop me a note,,..kisses,,jerry
Well Jerry, although your hot tub spa and that steam you got sound super appealing, I don't see anything about your BMW or vacation home in the Caribbean. What kind of sugar daddy are you? And your grammar is nuts. Out of control nuts. And is that all your house has to offer? No kitchen? Come on now Jerry. Are you so uninteresting that all you have to offer is the water features at your country club home?
It goes without saying I didn't respond, but me and my office mate did go thru his pictures. His first picture has the logo from the dating site sugardaddie.com on it. His second picture is of himself on a boat with two twenty-something boat hoes.
There have been some guys who appear decent via internet reach out, but that's about as far as we've gotten. If it keeps up like this, I'm going to have a long 3 months and they may write the comedy of the year out of it. Thank God I'm spending the weekend with my friends cooking out and heading out to Aquapalooza. Who knows where I'd be without them!
Kisses(hahaha),
Kerri (not Jerry)
I got a message from this 53 year old (my DAD is 53-yuck!), from Chattanooga and this was his message, verbatim:
hi..i d love to talk and see you.i live on a beautiful golf course here in chattanooga,..it has a hot tub spa,sauna,steam and a pool..i love to treat you great..,drop me a note,,..kisses,,jerry
Well Jerry, although your hot tub spa and that steam you got sound super appealing, I don't see anything about your BMW or vacation home in the Caribbean. What kind of sugar daddy are you? And your grammar is nuts. Out of control nuts. And is that all your house has to offer? No kitchen? Come on now Jerry. Are you so uninteresting that all you have to offer is the water features at your country club home?
It goes without saying I didn't respond, but me and my office mate did go thru his pictures. His first picture has the logo from the dating site sugardaddie.com on it. His second picture is of himself on a boat with two twenty-something boat hoes.
There have been some guys who appear decent via internet reach out, but that's about as far as we've gotten. If it keeps up like this, I'm going to have a long 3 months and they may write the comedy of the year out of it. Thank God I'm spending the weekend with my friends cooking out and heading out to Aquapalooza. Who knows where I'd be without them!
Kisses(hahaha),
Kerri (not Jerry)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Dating In the Little City
Oh geeze. I can't believe I'm writing this. I told you this blog was about to get really interesting and I don't lie. In discussions with many friends I've come to the conclusion that it's really hard to date in this town. There are a few reasons behind it—some my fault, others not so much.
1. I hang out with a group of 20+ on the weekends and most of them are male. Most men brave enough to approach that group are probably wearing an Affliction shirt.
2. I don't think I'm going to meet the guy of my dreams randomly in Sing It or Wing It or Hill City.
3. I've been chasing some guy who wasn't really into me or a relationship, but he enjoyed being chased and like any dumb girl...I thought there would be a finish line (although, I think he tried to warn me of this.) Thus, I wasn't looking.
4. All the men I have found aren't "looking for relationships" or not with me at least.
But if I'm not going on dates, that makes this blog not as fun. So two things are currently in process that I think will be interesting for me and you.
1. My co-workers are in the other office, feverishly working on my application to chase after Prince Charming on the next season of "The Bachelor". I'll admit—my life story is probably T.V. worthy, but I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket just yet. My sister asked me how I would feel about chasing after one guy who was crushing on 20 other girls. I laughed at the irony when I realized that's what I've been doing for months.
2. I can't believe I'm saying this. You probably won't be able to believe I'm writing this...but bare with me and get to my explanation. My best friend and I discussed it and we decided that for 3 months, I would activate a Match.com profile. Not to find the man of my dreams necessarily, but just to find some way of going on dates with people who are actually interested in dating someone and blogging about the experience. You get to reap the entertaining benefits of reading about the good, the bad and the awkward. I'm slightly terrified, but kind of excited to see what Chattanooga has to really offer when you're dealing with men who are genuinely interested in dating. Don't worry. I won't do anything dangerous or stupid, like meet someone alone or in another town. Someone will always be nearby, whether the date knows it or not. And to answer your question, no I'm not going to tell them about the blog (right away). That would take all the fun out of it.
[Less Than 24 Hours into the Experiment] In December, my best friend, D, and I created a free Match.com profile really quickly just to see the profile of her boyfriend at the time. They force you to fill out certain aspects, so we just made a bunch of stuff up for the mean time. Apparently, I threw in my love for fishing in the "About Me" section. We activated the profile last night, but didn't put in my real information, yet. Needless to say, this morning I had an inbox full of messages from guys holding pictures of bass fish. Now, I really do enjoy fishing—I have my own tackle box and 3 poles, but I don't need anyone thinking they've found their John Deere Dream Girl, so I can't wait to update this thing.
I also had a guy send a message saying that we couldn't go any further in getting to know each other until I answered if I'm a coke girl or pepsi girl. I feel like it's a trick question and I'm not real sure I'll respond. Either way, this is guaranteed to be fun for at least people reading this. Stay tuned!
K
1. I hang out with a group of 20+ on the weekends and most of them are male. Most men brave enough to approach that group are probably wearing an Affliction shirt.
2. I don't think I'm going to meet the guy of my dreams randomly in Sing It or Wing It or Hill City.
3. I've been chasing some guy who wasn't really into me or a relationship, but he enjoyed being chased and like any dumb girl...I thought there would be a finish line (although, I think he tried to warn me of this.) Thus, I wasn't looking.
4. All the men I have found aren't "looking for relationships" or not with me at least.
But if I'm not going on dates, that makes this blog not as fun. So two things are currently in process that I think will be interesting for me and you.
1. My co-workers are in the other office, feverishly working on my application to chase after Prince Charming on the next season of "The Bachelor". I'll admit—my life story is probably T.V. worthy, but I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket just yet. My sister asked me how I would feel about chasing after one guy who was crushing on 20 other girls. I laughed at the irony when I realized that's what I've been doing for months.
2. I can't believe I'm saying this. You probably won't be able to believe I'm writing this...but bare with me and get to my explanation. My best friend and I discussed it and we decided that for 3 months, I would activate a Match.com profile. Not to find the man of my dreams necessarily, but just to find some way of going on dates with people who are actually interested in dating someone and blogging about the experience. You get to reap the entertaining benefits of reading about the good, the bad and the awkward. I'm slightly terrified, but kind of excited to see what Chattanooga has to really offer when you're dealing with men who are genuinely interested in dating. Don't worry. I won't do anything dangerous or stupid, like meet someone alone or in another town. Someone will always be nearby, whether the date knows it or not. And to answer your question, no I'm not going to tell them about the blog (right away). That would take all the fun out of it.
[Less Than 24 Hours into the Experiment] In December, my best friend, D, and I created a free Match.com profile really quickly just to see the profile of her boyfriend at the time. They force you to fill out certain aspects, so we just made a bunch of stuff up for the mean time. Apparently, I threw in my love for fishing in the "About Me" section. We activated the profile last night, but didn't put in my real information, yet. Needless to say, this morning I had an inbox full of messages from guys holding pictures of bass fish. Now, I really do enjoy fishing—I have my own tackle box and 3 poles, but I don't need anyone thinking they've found their John Deere Dream Girl, so I can't wait to update this thing.
I also had a guy send a message saying that we couldn't go any further in getting to know each other until I answered if I'm a coke girl or pepsi girl. I feel like it's a trick question and I'm not real sure I'll respond. Either way, this is guaranteed to be fun for at least people reading this. Stay tuned!
K
Monday, July 11, 2011
You're Never the Exception
I read the book He's Just Not That Into You many years ago and loved it. A few years later, the movie came out and my friends loved it, too. One important moral of the story is to remember "You're always the rule—never the exception." Meaning, as much as you think you are that one girl that's going to get the fairytale romance...you're more than likely not and just wasting your time on some loser, when you could be finding the right guy/girl. Yet, even after watching the movie—all my girlfriends were convinced they were the exception.
A friend posted one of my favorite lines on Facebook recently, "Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."
I decided to post the entire excerpt from that part of the book, because it explains my situation way better than I could at this point, and when I read it, it felt like a good kick in the ass that I needed. This lesson applies to guys and girls, so I hope all my male readers take note, too. I mean...it was written by a man. I know it's long, but read all of it. You won't be disappointed.
Read on my friends.
"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.
He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.
Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."
Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.
He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.
Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.
You can't blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.
Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you.
Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.
My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.
Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.
I was seeing a guy for about a month. He broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel like it could be something serious. I understood and took it well. He wanted to know if we could still hang out as friends. I said sure. Now we get together and go out and then come back to his place and have sex, just like we did before. (But now, we're "broken up.") He's really, really cute and I love having sex with him. I also think he must like me if he can't stop being around me. And I think it's kinda cool -- all pressure's off and we're having a great time together. I've decided that I think it's fine and I'm not going to call his attention for the fact that we're actually dating. Except for the fact that we broke up.
This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him.
It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out.
Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.
He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.
Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.
Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.
Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
Cut him off. Let him miss you.
He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.
Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."
Never the exception,
K
A friend posted one of my favorite lines on Facebook recently, "Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."
I decided to post the entire excerpt from that part of the book, because it explains my situation way better than I could at this point, and when I read it, it felt like a good kick in the ass that I needed. This lesson applies to guys and girls, so I hope all my male readers take note, too. I mean...it was written by a man. I know it's long, but read all of it. You won't be disappointed.
Read on my friends.
"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.
He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.
Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."
Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.
He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.
Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.
You can't blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.
Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you.
Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.
My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.
Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.
I was seeing a guy for about a month. He broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel like it could be something serious. I understood and took it well. He wanted to know if we could still hang out as friends. I said sure. Now we get together and go out and then come back to his place and have sex, just like we did before. (But now, we're "broken up.") He's really, really cute and I love having sex with him. I also think he must like me if he can't stop being around me. And I think it's kinda cool -- all pressure's off and we're having a great time together. I've decided that I think it's fine and I'm not going to call his attention for the fact that we're actually dating. Except for the fact that we broke up.
This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him.
It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out.
Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.
He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.
Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.
Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.
Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
Cut him off. Let him miss you.
He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.
Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."
Never the exception,
K
Friday, July 1, 2011
Where Less Than 110% Gets You
I realized where I was a year ago today and immediately knew what it was that I've been wanting to write about the past few days.
A year ago, at this moment, I was in the car with my Mom and Grandmother heading to the airport in Nashville.
Mom was about to have a stem cell transplant.
I was flying to Seattle to welcome my ex-failance home from Afghanistan.
My emotions were being pulled in more directions than you could ever imagine.
But this day reminds me about how I always try to give 110% in relationships.
I did whatever it took to take care of him while he was gone and be the ONE person there when he came back. I tried to do all I could for my mom and spend as many moments as possible with my her and take care of myself in the meantime. Even though things didn't work out with him, I never regretted giving my best.
That's what you have to do to make a relationship work and since I've been single I realize how many people are scared, don't want to or don't know how to. You have to want to give 110%. There can't be 50, or 70 or even 99 percent. If you're not all in—then what's the point. That's no fun for either person and relationships are supposed to be fun. You're supposed to want to spend more than normal amounts of time together and just enjoy the "fresh car smell" stage of the relationship. You're supposed to be crazy about each other and it's totally acceptable.
You can't just be willing to give 110%, but you have to open yourself up to receive it. If you're not in a place where you don't know what to do with the love and passion someone is giving you, it's not going to work either, because that person will feel rejected and used. Then, you'll end up drunk and breaking up on MLK Blvd. and wake up the next morning, still not sure why, but Facebook confirms everything.
I recently attended my sorority sister, Lyndi's wedding. It was never a question of "if" these two would tie the knot, but "when." These two are the perfect example of marrying your best friend and two individuals that give 110% if not more to each other. Congrats guys!
A year ago, at this moment, I was in the car with my Mom and Grandmother heading to the airport in Nashville.
Mom was about to have a stem cell transplant.
I was flying to Seattle to welcome my ex-failance home from Afghanistan.
My emotions were being pulled in more directions than you could ever imagine.
But this day reminds me about how I always try to give 110% in relationships.
I did whatever it took to take care of him while he was gone and be the ONE person there when he came back. I tried to do all I could for my mom and spend as many moments as possible with my her and take care of myself in the meantime. Even though things didn't work out with him, I never regretted giving my best.
That's what you have to do to make a relationship work and since I've been single I realize how many people are scared, don't want to or don't know how to. You have to want to give 110%. There can't be 50, or 70 or even 99 percent. If you're not all in—then what's the point. That's no fun for either person and relationships are supposed to be fun. You're supposed to want to spend more than normal amounts of time together and just enjoy the "fresh car smell" stage of the relationship. You're supposed to be crazy about each other and it's totally acceptable.
You can't just be willing to give 110%, but you have to open yourself up to receive it. If you're not in a place where you don't know what to do with the love and passion someone is giving you, it's not going to work either, because that person will feel rejected and used. Then, you'll end up drunk and breaking up on MLK Blvd. and wake up the next morning, still not sure why, but Facebook confirms everything.
I recently attended my sorority sister, Lyndi's wedding. It was never a question of "if" these two would tie the knot, but "when." These two are the perfect example of marrying your best friend and two individuals that give 110% if not more to each other. Congrats guys!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Crazy Neighbor Lady With No Pants
This morning, I had my first terrifying "living on my own" experience. At my dollhouse apartment, I have a nice little porch to myself, that also has a gate that leads down some steps to the backyard. At the bottom of the steps, you can just walk directly onto the property behind ours and head towards the main road. I've never felt unsafe in my apartment, but not long after I moved in, I noticed the gate on my porch was being left open. I realized someone was probably using my porch as a cut through to get to that road and lazily leaving my gate open. I didn't love the idea, but I wasn't too concerned, just curious who it was.
This may be TMI, but I'm telling you anyways. When I'm getting ready for work, the apartment tends to get super hot and stuffy so at this point in my routine I'm half dressed...shirt on, but no pants.
While mid-routine, I was my kitchen making breakfast while chatting with a friend and noticed to white blurs run by my window in the crouched position onto my porch. I ran the 2 feet to the living room window and peep out and see a kid who is still crouched down and from this position it looks like he's trying to steal my chair. The next few thoughts race through my mind:
1. Someone else is with this kid, because I know I saw two blurs. Is it a kid or an adult?
2. I'm getting robbed and I really don't know what to do about it.
3.. Do I open the door now or put on pants and then attack?
I immediately decide if I take the time to find pants, this kid will be gone—and no one is stealing from me, even if I'm scared out of my mind right now.
So I fling open the door (trying my best to keep my waist hidden behind the door) and yell, "What the heck are you doing?!?!" I see the other kid is halfway down the stairs and I'm pretty sure the other saw me peep out the window and was scared to move after that.
They looked to be anywhere form 8 to 10 and in shaky voices informed me they were just cutting through and asked me if that was okay. I tried to laugh (still hiding my no-pantsed self behind the door, but I'm pretty sure he knew what was going on) and told them that was okay, but that they had just scared me.
So now the mystery of my porch runner is solved and all the neighborhood kids are telling each other about the crazy lady next door with no pants on. Only me.
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