Love Ain't No Fairytale

I recently started attending services at Calvary Chapel and have really enjoyed it. They're doing a 4-week study, led by Andy Stanley, called "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" and last night was the first part. I highly encourage you to listen to Part 1 before reading this, but if you can't, this is basically going to be about what I got from it last night. It's not super preachy and I think most of it applies to people who don't believe in God.

I want to start by saying this: Usually after I post a blog, people ask me if it's about them, or if they're boyfriend told me to write it, or they assume it's about a particular relationship of mine. The truth is this:

1. A lot of what I write about IS based on what I'm going through, but I also write blogs about things people ask me to discuss.
2. A lot of you think my blogs are about you-and they probably are, because a lot of you are going through the same things as me.
3. If you think it applies to you and you don't like the way it applies to you...change it.

Moving on...last night was about "The Right Person Myth". You know, that whole fairytale load of crap about how you find Mr./Mrs. Right and suddenly everything else in your life is right? Yea it's a bunch of bull.

The first point he made was that people he refers to as "sport/recreational/serial daters" won't like his series, because they're not looking for anything serious. You do you. But the important point, that stuck like a knife was this, "The PRESENT will be your PAST which will be PRESENT in your FUTURE." In other words, what you're doing now will end up coming up in your life/marriage later. There's no judgment passed on what you're doing now, but just remember, it doesn't go away. Skeletons in the closet anyone? I know it hearing that dusted off some of mine. Note: My blogs are read by approximately 200 people and I guarantee 95% of you just said, "Oh my gosh! She's talking about me!" But it's not coming from me...it's coming from Andy. Even when I heard it, I thought, "How does he know?!" Well, he explained that.

Andy talks about how people think they have this unique, untouchable, never told before love that no one else has ever experienced, but this truth is...it's not. He says, "Your relationship isn't unique, it's a well-worn, predictable path..." And they are. Which is why when you hear this stuff, you think it directly applies to you, but it applies to everyone.

Now back to the "right" person. We fall for that fairytale and then end up marrying that fairytale and when the chemistry wears off, there's nothing left. You can have chemistry with anyone. You can feel sparks fly with someone you meet for 10 minutes, but the truth is, you can't have a relationship with just anyone...that takes actual effort, not just chemistry.

Andy's big point is this—you're not going to find the right person until you start focusing on becoming the right person. When he said this, that's when I knew I've been doing this whole thing wrong. I've been looking for the right guy, when really I should be making sure I'm right for the right guy.

You've got to be the kind of person the person you are looking for is looking for.

You want someone trustworthy and faithful and responsible, but are you that person? Would that person be attracted to the person you are right now? Something to ponder. And if you're not those things that you're searching for in another, what made you that way?

I have no answers on this one. I'm still soaking it all in. I hope you spend the 50 minutes to watch Part One, if not I hope my blog explained it, but if you have more specific questions, feel free to ask me at kerrigasskd@gmail.com. This series has 3 weeks left to it and if you missed the first night, you won't be lost if you want to jump in, so if you're interested in going next week, let me know!

Not hunting, not seeking, but becoming,
K

Pizza, Pizza

If you know me, you know I love pizza. I mean, I could eat it everyday love it. I'm obsessed. I'm also a huge fan of Hill City pizza. However, I've never had a great service experience there and last night was probably the most interesting of all. People call it Hill Shitty as a joke, but I sometimes wonder. I will say I have been a server, in a pizza restaurant, and it's hellacious and people can be really rude and it can just flat out suck. So I'm not trying to be a whiny patron and this was not the worst restaurant experience I've had by far, but the punch line is quite entertaining.

I've had two or three instances already where they forgot to put my order in at Hill City, but last night was different.

Last night was most epic of all. We arrive after kickball and are starving. They immediately inform us that they have no cheese... Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't cheese typically vital to a pizza? Unless you're some no-dairy dieter, cheese is pretty much a pizza staple. So we decide to patiently wait for them to go get cheese from somewhere, which they warn us will take 15 minutes. Whatever. It's worth it.

Then, our pizza shows up and looks like this....




I'm not one to complain to servers. Even if I hate my food, I usually don't mention it. My friend, Claire however shouts out, "This is burnt!" Which, obviously from the pictures...it was.

Our server says, "We always burn our pizzas like that."

.........

We still scarfed down the burnt pizza, because we were hungry. Needless to say, Claire got another pizza on the house.

Only me,
K

Are You Ready to Rumble?

Recently, a friend mentioned his frustration with finding girls who seemed great upfront. Had every quality you could want in a woman—and then after putting in a week or so of effort, they get the "I'm not ready to date." sinker. Been there, done that. As a 20-30 something in the dating world of this generation, I've discovered there are a lot of people who either a) just got dumped by the one they thought was "the one"(as myself) or b) they're divorced.

You automatically assume that because someone is out at a bar, flirting, buying you drinks, and making the moves that they're on the search. They're sending the outward sign that, "Hey! I'm single! I'm okay with it! I don't give a damn about my ex and I'm ready to find someone else! Now let's go!" But as myself and many of my friends have found, just because they act that way, doesn't mean it's true.

So I've come up with a few signs to know if:

1) Your most recent interest is ready to date.
or
2) You are ready to date.


1. Bitterness. If you/you're interest is constantly making snide remarks about their ex or complaining about how the ex did this or that wrong, they're not over it. That resentment will just carry over into the next relationship and no one needs that. Tell them to call you when they're over it.

2. Crazy for love(or attention). When people become single, they have a tendency to sometimes pursue just about anyone and everyone they see. In most cases, that urge to flirt with every person of the opposite sex fades(then again I've met some pretty long-term creepers). If you can't keep yourself from buying every girl/guy you're semi-attracted to a drink and imagining where the night may lead, you don't have it out of your system yet. If the guy/girl your chasing is chasing everyone INCLUDING you around the bar, they're not ready. You can talk to them about it, but if they get defensive...NEXT!

3. One is the loneliest number. In reality, everyone needs alone time. If you/you're interest can't be alone without worrying what everyone else is doing or moping because he/she/you is alone, it's not time. Before you can move on with someone new, you have to be completely comfortable being yourself, by yourself. You change as a person when you date someone else and when that relationship ends, you've got to figure out who you are without that person. If the person you're interested in is at the bar every night or constantly trying to surround themselves with others and gain their approval...well you know what to do. If you are that person that can't be alone—take baby steps. Spend a night in, when you know all of your friends are out. Take a mini-vacation alone. Whatever you have to do to find out who the new you is. (Did I mention, you will never find the old you? Because you won't.)

Word to the wise: If you're not ready to date, stop acting like it and screwing up the fun for the rest of us who are! I understand, being alone sucks. We all get it. But going out in public and treating men/women like you ARE ready to date is just rude. You may be in some funk, but don't pull others down with you. Go out with your friends and feel free to look, but don't attempt to order off the menu.

If you realize someone is showing the signs of not being ready or they tell you they're not...run. Sometimes even after they tell you they're not ready, they will do things that make you think maybe they really are. Ignore it. You'll know when they're ready, you may be around, you may not, but either way, if you avoid that mess they're in and keep yourself out of it, you're way better off.

Lord help me take my own advice,
K

Did You Say Shots?

It's been 2 weeks since I started this Match.com experience and one week since I went on my first Match date. I should've written about this sooner, but much more important things have been happening.

So this guy starts messaging me back and forth and I can't help but notice that I recognize him from somewhere. There's one picture I swear I've seen somewhere, and then it hits me that I've seen this picture on my friend Mel's Facebook. I text her immediately and find out that it is the guy from her Facebook and a co-worker...who she informs me is a total douchebag...great. I decide to give it a try anyways. It felt less nerve wracking considering I knew someone who knew him, so if he tried to kidnap me, someone knew where to find him.

So our date is set for a Thursday at 7 at Northshore Grille. I can probably hit Northshore with a bouncy ball from the Dollhouse, but I still show up a few minutes early. He texts me at 6:59 to tell me he'll be there in 10 minutes...minus one. I'm all about punctuality, folks. I go in to the bar area and see one of my friends from my group and for a second think, "Screw this. I'm going to sit here and have a beer with my friend and forget this." But people are looking forward to reading this so when I see the guy I decide to go with it. He orders a beer, I decide to do the same. It takes a good 15 minutes to just order, because he can't stop talking long enough to look at the menu, but at least the guy can hold a conversation.

Then, it gets interesting...he suggests ordering a shot. Wait! What?!? Before the entree?!? So I'm thinking he's either an alcoholic or this date is that bad. Then, I can't decide if he's trying to see if I'm "cool enough to hang" or "trashy enough to take shots at dinner." I make a last minute decision to take a shot. I can't shoot straight liquor without throwing it up on everyone around me, so I go for the mixed shot my friend has ordered all night the Saturday before...Captain on Crack...and survived the shot without puking. Thank God.

He continued to talk...alot. Then, we went next door and had a few beers and discussed shark week. The conversation was fine, but there was far too much drinking for this first date. If you immediately need alcohol to get through a date...not a good sign. Was he a douche? Well not ultimately, but he did make a few comments that let me know that after about date 5 he'd probably be one. Don't ever mention a woman's weight...even if it's another woman's weight, to a woman. You immediately look like a shallow pig.

Things turned around for me on the weekend though. I went with some friends to church Sunday at Calvary Chapel. It was my first time, and I was shocked and happy to see how many people there were my age. I still have a month or two left of this Match thing, but I see much more potential in finding someone at church than online. Whew.

Plus, the sermon at church was really what I needed. They discussed embracing the "season" of life that you're in, even if it's not the one you expected to be in. For me that "season" is singledom . Lately, a lot of my "group" has been finding guys and girls that make them happy and they're trying the relationship route. While I make fun of their mushy Facebook comments or their tendency to drop everything to hang out with their significant other, I'm super happy for them, because I know if I had someone that treats me like that, I'd be doing the same. My friends and I have all dated some real duds lately and I'm glad they've finally found men (and women) that appreciate them, want to spend time with them, and are overall just good for them.

Match is okay, but I'm pretty sure every Alabama fan with a fishing pole has sent me a message. To be honest, I haven't cared much about even trying to talk to anyone on there. It seems like too much effort. Terrible I know. I'll keep trying and if anyone else interesting comes along, I might give the date a shot, but for some reason I feel like something really good is lurking around the corner and it's not on the internet...

Guess we'll wait and see,
K

Sugar Daddies

Well, so far...so interesting. I've had quite a few messages and there have been about 3 I've actually responded to. I've even had guys from Texas message me. Why? Long distance sucks. But as the title says, I had my first run in with a sugar daddy, looking for someone to be his sugar baby.

I got a message from this 53 year old (my DAD is 53-yuck!), from Chattanooga and this was his message, verbatim:

hi..i d love to talk and see you.i live on a beautiful golf course here in chattanooga,..it has a hot tub spa,sauna,steam and a pool..i love to treat you great..,drop me a note,,..kisses,,jerry

Well Jerry, although your hot tub spa and that steam you got sound super appealing, I don't see anything about your BMW or vacation home in the Caribbean. What kind of sugar daddy are you? And your grammar is nuts. Out of control nuts. And is that all your house has to offer? No kitchen? Come on now Jerry. Are you so uninteresting that all you have to offer is the water features at your country club home?

It goes without saying I didn't respond, but me and my office mate did go thru his pictures. His first picture has the logo from the dating site sugardaddie.com on it. His second picture is of himself on a boat with two twenty-something boat hoes.

There have been some guys who appear decent via internet reach out, but that's about as far as we've gotten. If it keeps up like this, I'm going to have a long 3 months and they may write the comedy of the year out of it. Thank God I'm spending the weekend with my friends cooking out and heading out to Aquapalooza. Who knows where I'd be without them!

Kisses(hahaha),
Kerri (not Jerry)

Dating In the Little City

Oh geeze. I can't believe I'm writing this. I told you this blog was about to get really interesting and I don't lie. In discussions with many friends I've come to the conclusion that it's really hard to date in this town. There are a few reasons behind it—some my fault, others not so much.

1. I hang out with a group of 20+ on the weekends and most of them are male. Most men brave enough to approach that group are probably wearing an Affliction shirt.
2. I don't think I'm going to meet the guy of my dreams randomly in Sing It or Wing It or Hill City.
3. I've been chasing some guy who wasn't really into me or a relationship, but he enjoyed being chased and like any dumb girl...I thought there would be a finish line (although, I think he tried to warn me of this.) Thus, I wasn't looking.
4. All the men I have found aren't "looking for relationships" or not with me at least.

But if I'm not going on dates, that makes this blog not as fun. So two things are currently in process that I think will be interesting for me and you.

1. My co-workers are in the other office, feverishly working on my application to chase after Prince Charming on the next season of "The Bachelor". I'll admit—my life story is probably T.V. worthy, but I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket just yet. My sister asked me how I would feel about chasing after one guy who was crushing on 20 other girls. I laughed at the irony when I realized that's what I've been doing for months.

2. I can't believe I'm saying this. You probably won't be able to believe I'm writing this...but bare with me and get to my explanation. My best friend and I discussed it and we decided that for 3 months, I would activate a Match.com profile. Not to find the man of my dreams necessarily, but just to find some way of going on dates with people who are actually interested in dating someone and blogging about the experience. You get to reap the entertaining benefits of reading about the good, the bad and the awkward. I'm slightly terrified, but kind of excited to see what Chattanooga has to really offer when you're dealing with men who are genuinely interested in dating. Don't worry. I won't do anything dangerous or stupid, like meet someone alone or in another town. Someone will always be nearby, whether the date knows it or not. And to answer your question, no I'm not going to tell them about the blog (right away). That would take all the fun out of it.

[Less Than 24 Hours into the Experiment] In December, my best friend, D, and I created a free Match.com profile really quickly just to see the profile of her boyfriend at the time. They force you to fill out certain aspects, so we just made a bunch of stuff up for the mean time. Apparently, I threw in my love for fishing in the "About Me" section. We activated the profile last night, but didn't put in my real information, yet. Needless to say, this morning I had an inbox full of messages from guys holding pictures of bass fish. Now, I really do enjoy fishing—I have my own tackle box and 3 poles, but I don't need anyone thinking they've found their John Deere Dream Girl, so I can't wait to update this thing.

I also had a guy send a message saying that we couldn't go any further in getting to know each other until I answered if I'm a coke girl or pepsi girl. I feel like it's a trick question and I'm not real sure I'll respond. Either way, this is guaranteed to be fun for at least people reading this. Stay tuned!

K

You're Never the Exception

I read the book He's Just Not That Into You many years ago and loved it. A few years later, the movie came out and my friends loved it, too. One important moral of the story is to remember "You're always the rule—never the exception." Meaning, as much as you think you are that one girl that's going to get the fairytale romance...you're more than likely not and just wasting your time on some loser, when you could be finding the right guy/girl. Yet, even after watching the movie—all my girlfriends were convinced they were the exception.

A friend posted one of my favorite lines on Facebook recently, "Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

I decided to post the entire excerpt from that part of the book, because it explains my situation way better than I could at this point, and when I read it, it felt like a good kick in the ass that I needed. This lesson applies to guys and girls, so I hope all my male readers take note, too. I mean...it was written by a man. I know it's long, but read all of it. You won't be disappointed.

Read on my friends.

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.

Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."

Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

You can't blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.

My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

I was seeing a guy for about a month. He broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel like it could be something serious. I understood and took it well. He wanted to know if we could still hang out as friends. I said sure. Now we get together and go out and then come back to his place and have sex, just like we did before. (But now, we're "broken up.") He's really, really cute and I love having sex with him. I also think he must like me if he can't stop being around me. And I think it's kinda cool -- all pressure's off and we're having a great time together. I've decided that I think it's fine and I'm not going to call his attention for the fact that we're actually dating. Except for the fact that we broke up.

This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out.

Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.

He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.

Breakup sex still means you're broken up.

Cut him off. Let him miss you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.

Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."

Never the exception,
K